Dirty, Inappropriate, Adult Jokes for People With a Rude Sense of Humor.
A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.
The boy goes home and asks, “Dad, what are bastards and bitches?” And his dad replies, “Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen.”
Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, “Shit!” “Mom, what is shit?” and she says, “Perfume.”
So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, “Fuck!” The boy asks, “Dad, what does fuck mean?” and dad says “preparing.”
Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, “Where are the condoms?” The little boy asks, “What are condoms?” and his father says, “Condoms are coats and jackets.”
The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, “Hello! Please come in, bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.”
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry pancakes, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming Colombian coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under her bra cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. And the jerk said, ‘Fuck him, just give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”
Three guys are drinking at a bar.
Suddenly, a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!”
The guy ignores him, and eventually the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!”
The guy is starting to look annoyed, but once again, he just ignores him.
Once again, the drunk wanders off.
Ten more minutes pass, and once again the drunk walks in and announces, “Your mom liked it!”
Finally the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk!”
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ‘ Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except… The Magic Penis!’
The husband said, ‘The what’?
The man repeated, ‘The Magic Penis,’ and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, ‘It looks like a dildo!’
The man then pointed to the door and said, ‘ Magic Penis, door!’
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, ‘Magic Penis, return to box!’ and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said ‘Magic Penis, my vagina.’
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, ‘I haven’t had anything to drink officer. You see, I’ve got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me.’
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, ‘Yeah right… Magic Penis, my ass…!!!!!!!!!!’
The rest, as they say, is history…
No more headaches.
Woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?”
The husband asks, “What happened?” His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked. The headaches are all gone.”
“Well, that is wonderful,” replies the husband.
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “Damn! That was wonderful!” The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife”.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.