Dirty, Inappropriate, Adult Jokes for People With a Rude Sense of Humor.
A husband was reading a new book entitled, “YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE”.
He finished the book and promptly stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The fucking funeral director would be my first guess….”
One day in a school room the teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
The man immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great…
… but I still think my thumb’s broken!”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Teacher announces a contest in class and tells everyone to try to sell something over the weekend.
On Monday, everyone is to present how much they sold and how they did it with a prize to the student who sells the most.
Come Monday, the teacher starts with little Susie. Little Susie announces she has sold $83 of Girl Scout cookies. The teacher asks her how she did it and she replies:
“I went door to door telling people of the good works that the Girl Scouts do in the community and asked them to support us by buying a box of cookies!”
The teacher says good job and asks the class if anyone can beat $83. Little Billy raises his hand and says he sold $175 of magazine subscriptions and the teacher asks him how he did it and he replies:
“I went to my Dad’s work and asked people what their interests were and then offered them a chance to buy a magazine that they would be interested in.”
The teacher says good job and can anyone beat $175? Little Johnny raises his hand and says:
“Teacher, I sold $2,680”
Shocked, the teacher said “what did you sell for $2680?” And Johnny replies “toothbrushes”. The teacher asks “How in the world did you sell $2,680 worth of toothbrushes?” Johnny replies:
“I went down to the mall and set up a table with a sign that said FREE CHIPS AND DIP. People would take a chip, dip it, take a bite and scream “This tastes like dog shit!” And I would say “It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush? $20!”