Dirty, Inappropriate, Adult Jokes for People With a Rude Sense of Humor.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from Grandma.
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives.
The cucumber says, “My life sucks. I’m put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks.” The pickle says, “That’s nothing compared to my life. I’m put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life.” So the penis says, “What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention,
so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.” Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?” The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”
A panda walks into a bar.
He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says. “For what?” The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.” The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.” The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda. Look it up.” She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary, and it reads, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.
A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen….
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
“How much for a hand-job?”
“$5,000” she replies.
“$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way.”
“Walk with me.” She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. “You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs.”
He ponders for a moment. “Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright.” He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. “Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?”
“$15,000” she replies.
“$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!” He shouts.
“Come to the window.” They walk to the window and she begins to point. “You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs.”
“Fine, how can I say no?”
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. “Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?”
“Come to the window.” He follows her to the window, ready for anything. “Do you see all of Las Vegas?” She asks.
“No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!” He exclaims, astounded.
“No..” she looks down. ” But I would if I had a pussy…”