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Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of work to me.

Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of work to me.

When someone calls me an “asshole” I get this warm feeling inside because my work here is done.

When someone calls me an “asshole” I get this warm feeling inside because my work here is done.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Life is too short to wake up in a bad mood. I save mine for when I get to work.

Life is too short to wake up in a bad mood. I save mine for when I get to work.

I may not be much help in telling you what works. But I sure have fucked up enough to tell you what doesn't.

I may not be much help in telling you what works. But I sure have fucked up enough to tell you what doesn’t.

Somewhere right now someone is thinking about an excuse not to go to work tomorrow.

Somewhere right now someone is thinking about an excuse not to go to work tomorrow.

You know why birds sing in the morning? Because they don't have to go to fucking work.

You know why birds sing in the morning? Because they don’t have to go to fucking work.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bulshit.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit.

Did you ever look at one of your co-workers and think how the fuck do you work here?

Did you ever look at one of your co-workers and think how the fuck do you work here?

Whoever said the customer is always right has never worked with the public a day in their freaking life!

Whoever said the customer is always right has never worked with the public a day in their freaking life!

If you dream big enough, anything can come true. Just kidding. Get back to work.

If you dream big enough, anything can come true. Just kidding. Get back to work.

Every day at work I worry that I’m going to scream “Shut The Fuck Up” out loud instead of in my head.

Every day at work I worry that I’m going to scream “Shut The Fuck Up” out loud instead of in my head.

Every day I arrive at work with good intentions and great attitude… Then idiots happen.

Every day I arrive at work with good intentions and great attitude… Then idiots happen.

Did you know if you text your boss “Go Fuck Yourself” you don’t have to go to work anymore?

Did you know if you text your boss “Go Fuck Yourself” you don’t have to go to work anymore?

How to be grown up at work: Replace “Fuck You” with “OK Great”.

How to be grown up at work: Replace “Fuck You” with “OK Great”.