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Sarcastic Quotes

I’m not easily offended, but I’m easily annoyed.

I’m not easily offended…

When I take a sick day, it’s because I'm sick of you people.

When I take a sick day…

Sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out.

Sometimes I get so weird…

I don’t chase anyone anymore. Wanna walk out of my life? There’s the the door. Hell, I’ll even hold it for you.

I don’t chase anyone…

No matter how stupid you feel remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.

No matter how stupid…

I don’t always work but when I do, I make sure my boss is around.

I don’t always work…

I love you to the moon and back, but I fucking want to leave you there sometimes.

I love you…

Don’t tell me to make myself at home then act surprised when I take off my pants and drink all your vodka.

Don’t tell me…

It’s like my mom always said, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

It’s like my mom always said…

Don’t ever make me choose between alcohol and you. I will miss you when I’m drunk.

Don’t ever make me…