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Sarcastic Quotes

I’am so jealous of people who know how to shut up. I shut up, and subtitles come out of my face.

I’am so jealous…

Most of being an adult is whispering “fuck this” while typing “sounds good” to an email that just fucked your entire week.

Most of being an adult…

I feel like I’m in season 5 of my life and the writers are just making ridiculous shit happen to keep it interesting.

I feel like…

I may not be the prettiest or the smartest, but I will tell you one thing - I’m not the nicest either. Fuck off.

I may not be the prettiest…

People: “You’re so boring.” ME: “Listen, I spent my youth drinking, partying with strangers, and making decisions that should’ve had me on a missing persons list or in jail. I’m not boring. I’m retired.”

People: “You’re so boring…

I’m not apologizing for shit I do when I’m mad. You should’ve left me the fuck alone in the first place.

I’m not apologizing…

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people... Just to see what they do.

Sometimes you just have…

Most women need a little reassurance. Like when she says, “Oh you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Most women need…

Okay, I came up with a new dating app idea. You match with people who are on the same meds as you. We’ll call it “Relationscripts”.

Okay, I came up with…

My love language is sarcasm and honesty. If I’m polite to you, that’s the sign we’re not close.

My love language…