Sarcastic

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I swear some people must have been conceived through anal sex. There is no way being that much of an asshole is natural.
There's just not enough toilet paper in the world to clean up all this crap some people create. - Susan Gale
If you meet a girl that admits she's wrong, apologizes and change her way... Dump her because that might be a man. Women don't do that.
Be Yourself! No one else wants to be you.
Just how deep is the average vagina, actually? Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car, his dog, and half of his savings and assets.
I realize that some people don't like me. I also realize that I highly don't give a fuck.
Just once I would like to make it through an entire day without having WTF moment!!
If I ever give a flying fuck, it'll be because it's sex position.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I'd love to punch in the face.
Having a bad day? You could be a siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and you you're the only one with an ass
Some people aren't just missing the odd screw. The whole freakin' toolbox is gone
Three rules for life: 1 Fuck, 2 Don't give a fuck, 3 Don't be fucked over
I look at people sometimes and think... Really? That's the sperm that won!?
If you can't be the sharpest tool in the shed, you can always be the hoe.
I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people.
FAMILY VACATION: A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together.
It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you. It's like the trash took itself out.
With age come new skills... You can laugh, cough, sneeze, and pee all at the same time.
I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell.
You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your pin number.