Sarcastic Quotes, Thoughts, Sayings, Remarks

I hate when people say "nice to meet you" before I've even said anything. How do you know it's nice to meet me? I'm an asshole.
Never kick me when I'm down, because when I get back up... you're fucked.
3 THINGS TO KNOW IN LIFE: 1. Never beg anyone, 2. Never trust anyone, 3. Never depend on anyone
My dream job would be driving the karma bus.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem
I wish people came with a 30 second trailer. So I can see what I'm getting myself into.
Most people have X's. I have bunch of Y's and WTF's.
If I had a dollar for every time I fake laughed at work I wouldn't even need a job anymore.
I'm so glad I grew up in the '80s and '90s. I did so much stupid shit - and there is no record of it anywhere.
How come when a woman is pregnant everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?
TIP OF THE DAY: always make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an asshole.
Have you ever looked at someone and just imagined holding their head under water? Oh, me neither.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness never paid for a divorce before.
At this point in my life I am positive some people were put on this earth to test my alcohol tolerance level.
If you hate yourself, remember that you are not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.
Do you exercise? I run my mouth a lot.
I used to think I had some control over my life. Now, I just pull up a chair and watch the shit show unfold before me.
There are two types of people in this world: People you want to drink with and people who make you want to drink.
The key to getting along with people is to either lower your expectations or learn to drink.
When I feel down and someone tells me to "Suck it up" I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say "Walk it off".