Sex is like math. Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply.
Every day of my life forces me to add another name to the list of people who can kiss my fucking ass.
KARMASUTRA: When life fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.
At first I cared, but then I was like “Nah, fuck you”.
Every day is another opportunity to fuck it all up again.
Didn’t care yesterday. Don’t give a shit today. Probably won’t give a fuck tomorrow.
Be careful around ass kissers. They’re always the first to talk shit and start drama.
Don’t like me? Have a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck.
Nobody dies a virgin. Life fucks us all. – Kurt Cobain
Can you die from constipation? I’m a little worried with how full of shit some people are.
Before you speak, listen. Before you act, think. Before you give up try. Before you take a shit, make sure there is toilet paper.
Listen, smile, agree. And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway. – Robert Downey Jr.
How to be grown up at work: Replace “Fuck You” with “OK Great”.
Don't be a magnet for fucktards and shitwits.
Don’t make excuses for nasty people. You can’t put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.
Blessed are the constipated for they don’t give a shit.
Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small. Some are real and some are fake.
Complaining is mouth farting. And like any farting, I don’t mind hearing my own, but I don’t want to hear anyone else’s.
“As fuck” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you’re fucked.
Life is like a dick. Sometimes it's up... Sometimes it's down... But it won't be hard forever.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. – Robin Williams
Being a dick won’t make yours any bigger.
Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
Stress is caused by giving a fuck.