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Decision

People: “You’re so boring.” ME: “Listen, I spent my youth drinking, partying with strangers, and making decisions that should’ve had me on a missing persons list or in jail. I’m not boring. I’m retired.”

People: “You’re so boring…

Most of my decisions are loosely based on whether or not it’s illegal or merely frowned upon.

Most of my decisions…

Pretty sure I need one more bad decision and I’ll have the whole set.

Pretty sure I need…

If you ever hear me say “fuck it”, you better stand by my side or run... Because I'm about to make some very questionable decisions.

If you ever hear me say…

I think someone out there has a voodoo doll of me and is forcing it to make bad life decisions.

I think someone out there…

Bad decisions make good stories.

Bad decisions make good stories.

I can’t turn water into wine but I can turn vodka into bad decisions and total fucking mayhem.

I can’t turn water into wine…

I’m smart enough to know that I make a lot of dumb decisions.

I’m smart enough…

I make bad decisions when I'm drunk but the sober ones haven't been that great either.

I make bad decisions…

When a man is trying to make a decision, it’s often a struggle between his head and his heart. Then his penis walks in and says, “relax guys, I got this”.

When a man is trying…