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Friend

I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.

I am the friend…

You know you’re getting old when “friends with benefits” means having someone who can drive at night.

You know you’re getting old…

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention.

Lucky for me…

I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

I’m not really your friend…

To my friends: Shine on you crazy, perverted, alcoholic weirdos. Y'all are my people.

To my friends…

Having a girl as a friend is like having a chicken as a pet. Sooner or later you're going to want to eat her.

Having a girl as a friend…

Grow old with your best friends so you can race in wheelchairs and fight each other with canes.

Grow old with…

I'm grateful to those who speak behind my back. My ass desperately needed friends.

I’m grateful to those…

Real friends talk shit to your face, and say nice things behind your back.

Real friends…

The only thing I will force in my life is my jeans over my ass. Not friends, not relationships.

The only thing…