Cynical Quotes

Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.

Tact is for people…

The best way to lose weight is to only eat inspirational quotes.

The best way to lose weight…

I wish people would ask me if I give a fuck before they started talking to me.

I wish people would ask…

Being alone in the toilet is the reminder that you will always be alone when shit happens in your life. Be strong.

Being alone…

Sometimes doing a good job at work is like wetting your pants in a dark suit – you get a warm feeling, but nobody else notices.

Sometimes doing a good job…

Please don’t confuse my ability to smile / be friendly as a sign of weakness. I keep my integrity intact because my ability to crush you verbally and emotionally quite shocking.

Please don’t confuse…

SARCASM. I sprinkle that shit on everything.

SARCASM…

Things that shouldn’t be broken 1. Hearts, 2. Promises, 3. Condoms

Things that shouldn’t be broken…

You remind me of a software update. Whenever I see you, I usually think "Not now".

You remind me…

Before you rush in and save people, make sure you’re not interrupting their karma.

Before you rush in…