Funny

Why do people with brains the size of peas have mouths the size of watermelons?
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It's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm.
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I'm always on my best behavior. It just so happens that my best behavior is not very good.
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It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. - Sam Levenson
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Don't you love it when just your presence pisses someone off?
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Troubles are like dicks. Everybody thinks they got the biggest.
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There's a fine line between saying too much and saying too little. I walk that line like a drunken clown at the circus.
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Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?
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Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
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Pre - annoyed: You knew this person is about to piss you off even before they say anything.
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Is FUCKTASTROPHY a word? Because I feel it could be useful.
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A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say its cute. If I do it, I'm an alcoholic.
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It's never too late to get your shit together.
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I am not fragile like a flower. I am fragile like a bomb.
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A woman's anger is like a check engine light. There is no way to figure out why it came on. Just ignore it and hope it goes away.
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Did you know that if you put you ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say: "What the fuck are you doing?"
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If someone you know is stuck in stupid mode, a smack to the back of the head shoud trigger the reset button.
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opinions are like farts, everyone else’s stinks, they are hard to hold in and when you let one go, at least one person will leave the room
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People who think their shit don't stink haven't pulled their heads out of their asses long enough to smell the difference.
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