Funny

I'd tell you to kiss my ass, but I'm pretty sure you'd fall in love, and then I'd never get rid of you.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
Reach for the stars because at the very least you'll air out your armpits.
The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is the next door neighbor.
A friend is someone who listens to your bullshit, tells you that it is bullshit and listens some more.
If hard times only make you stronger then I should be able to whip Superman’s ass by now.
If you ask a stupid question, you may feel stupid; if you don’t ask a stupid question, you remain stupid. - Tony Rothman
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me, I’ll laugh at you.
Most people are assholes. Don't believe me? Next time you see a group of people, yell out "Hey, Asshole". They'll turn and look.
Stress is caused by giving a fuck. Therefore, I wish I could exchange my heart for a liver, so I can drink more and care less.
Roses are dead, love is fake, weddings are basically funerals with cake.
Please don't be rude to me because my rude will outrude your rude and I'll make you cry.
Girls have magic powers. They get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.
Going to bed early, not leaving my house, not going to parties... My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
Even if I had a pocket full of fucks I still wouldn't give you one.
MY SPECIAL TALENT? An unending series of snarky remarks.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
Sleep well middle finger, you've got a big day ahead of you tommorow.
My goal is to be that old person that everyone is afraid to take out in public.
A good mood is like a balloon. One little prick is all it takes to ruin it.