Funny

Stress is caused by giving a fuck. Therefore, I wish I could exchange my heart for a liver, so I can drink more and care less.
Roses are dead, love is fake, weddings are basically funerals with cake.
Please don't be rude to me because my rude will outrude your rude and I'll make you cry.
Girls have magic powers. They get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.
Going to bed early, not leaving my house, not going to parties... My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
Even if I had a pocket full of fucks I still wouldn't give you one.
MY SPECIAL TALENT? An unending series of snarky remarks.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
Sleep well middle finger, you've got a big day ahead of you tommorow.
My goal is to be that old person that everyone is afraid to take out in public.
A good mood is like a balloon. One little prick is all it takes to ruin it.
I don't pretend to be anything I am not... Except for sober, I've pretended to be sober a few times.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the the ones I keep to myself. - Patsy Cline
I can look directly at someone, nod when they’re talking, maybe even throw in a "yeah", and still not hear a single word they said.
Flawed and fabulous.. because perfect doesn’t exist and normal is boring.
Fall in love? I'd much rather fall asleep.
The glass can be half empty or half full as long as there's whiskey in it.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away. - Paul Terry
During sex, it’s perfectly fine to say “yeah”, “yes”, and “oh yes”, but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming “yep”.
I should be ashamed of my behavior. Let's be clear. I'm not, but I should be.
TEQUILA for those times you want to forget stupid shit you've done and do new even stupider shit.
Not only does my mind wonder... sometimes it walks off completely.
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
THE FOUR STAGE OF LIFE: 1. You believe in Santa Claus, 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus, 3. You are Santa Claus, 4. You look like Santa Claus