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Funny Quotes

They say “you should go out and meet new people.” Bro, I’m busy trying to avoid the people I already know.

They say…

People say “money changes people” like poverty doesn't do weird psychological parkour to a human being.

People say…

Don’t offer a lecture to a person who needs a slap.

Don’t offer a lecture…

Being a functional adult every day seems a bit excessive.

Being a functional adult…

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

There is no such thing…

So you mean to tell me a stress ball is not for throwing at people who stress you out.

So you mean…

The longer I live on this earth the easier it is to understand why geese just randomly attack people.

The longer I live…

If you routinely say “fuck” two times in one sentence, you are my people. Get in here, bring it in for a hug.

If you routinely say “fuck”…

I’am so jealous of people who know how to shut up. I shut up, and subtitles come out of my face.

I’am so jealous…

I feel like I’m in season 5 of my life and the writers are just making ridiculous shit happen to keep it interesting.

I feel like…