Funny Quotes

When people suck the life out of you, wouldn’t it be nice if they took some fat too?
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Be happy. It drives people crazy.
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Friends come and go like waves of the ocean, but the true ones stick, like an octopus on your face.
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Spreading rumors about me? Well that’s good... I mean at least you learned to spread something other then your legs!
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What to do if you miss your ex? Reload and shoot again.
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Dr's say that drinking 8 glasses of water a day helps your skin look younger. My advice: Drink 8 glasses of wine a day an you won't give a damn how old you look.
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If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different story.
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Burning a bridge takes too long. I prefer explosives.
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I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.
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I am an extreme person, the only middle I know is a finger and it says to hell with everything.
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Life is too short to wake up in a bad mood. I save mine for when I get to work.
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If you don't go crazy every now and then, how could you know that you're sane, every now and then. Besides, it's going crazy, that keeps you sane.
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No one knows your business like other people.
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I'd tell you to kiss my ass, but I'm pretty sure you'd fall in love, and then I'd never get rid of you.
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I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
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Reach for the stars because at the very least you'll air out your armpits.
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The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is the next door neighbor.
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A friend is someone who listens to your bullshit, tells you that it is bullshit and listens some more.
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If hard times only make you stronger then I should be able to whip Superman’s ass by now.
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If you ask a stupid question, you may feel stupid; if you don’t ask a stupid question, you remain stupid. - Tony Rothman
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