Funny

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I swear some people must have been conceived through anal sex. There is no way being that much of an asshole is natural.
If you meet a girl that admits she's wrong, apologizes and change her way... Dump her because that might be a man. Women don't do that.
Be Yourself! No one else wants to be you.
If I ever give a flying fuck, it'll be because it's sex position.
I don't always walk the walk, or even talk the talk. But if you want someone who can drink the drink, I'm totally there for you.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I'd love to punch in the face.
Three rules for life: 1 Fuck, 2 Don't give a fuck, 3 Don't be fucked over
I look at people sometimes and think... Really? That's the sperm that won!?
If you can't be the sharpest tool in the shed, you can always be the hoe.
I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people.
FAMILY VACATION: A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together.
With age come new skills... You can laugh, cough, sneeze, and pee all at the same time.
I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell.
You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your pin number.
If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. - David Sedaris
The only person I trust is me, and even that is fucking iffy sometimes.
If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.
Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say: "Hey look... that one is shaped like an idiot".
If laughter is the best medicine your face must be curing the world.