Funny Quotes, Thoughts, Sayings, Remarks

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem
I wish people came with a 30 second trailer. So I can see what I'm getting myself into.
If I had a dollar for every time I fake laughed at work I wouldn't even need a job anymore.
Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else.
I'm so glad I grew up in the '80s and '90s. I did so much stupid shit - and there is no record of it anywhere.
How come when a woman is pregnant everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?
Somewhere right now someone is thinking about an excuse not to go to work tomorrow.
TIP OF THE DAY: always make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an asshole.
Have you ever looked at someone and just imagined holding their head under water? Oh, me neither.
If you set impossible goals, you'll never be disappointed when you fail.
When you're a child you make funny faces at the mirror. In middle age, the mirror gets even.
Do you exercise? I run my mouth a lot.
There are two types of people in this world: People you want to drink with and people who make you want to drink.
The key to getting along with people is to either lower your expectations or learn to drink.
When I feel down and someone tells me to "Suck it up" I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say "Walk it off".
MIND: Don't even say shit. Just let it go. It's not worth it. MOUTH: I just find it funny how...
If you love someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody else liked them. Set them free again.
Me being rude: Shut the fuck up. Me being polite: Please shut the fuck up.
Fly like an eagle. Fuck like a rabbit.