Funny

During sex, it’s perfectly fine to say “yeah”, “yes”, and “oh yes”, but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming “yep”.
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I should be ashamed of my behavior. Let's be clear. I'm not, but I should be.
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TEQUILA for those times you want to forget stupid shit you've done and do new even stupider shit.
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Not only does my mind wonder... sometimes it walks off completely.
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Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
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THE FOUR STAGE OF LIFE: 1. You believe in Santa Claus, 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus, 3. You are Santa Claus, 4. You look like Santa Claus
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It’s better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim at pile of shit and hit.
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The stuff you heard about me is a lie, I'm way worse.
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It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain
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Men only have 2 emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich.
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Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
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I'm sorry... I didn't mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute.
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If you don't know my whole story keep your mouth shut. If you know my whole story, you're an accomplice. Keep your mouth shut.
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. - W.C. Fields
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Why do people with brains the size of peas have mouths the size of watermelons?
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It's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm.
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I'm always on my best behavior. It just so happens that my best behavior is not very good.
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It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. - Sam Levenson
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Don't you love it when just your presence pisses someone off?
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Troubles are like dicks. Everybody thinks they got the biggest.
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There's a fine line between saying too much and saying too little. I walk that line like a drunken clown at the circus.
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Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?
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Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
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Pre - annoyed: You knew this person is about to piss you off even before they say anything.
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