Funny Quotes, Thoughts, Sayings, Remarks

Did you know? Smoking is good for the environment because it kills human beings.
Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time...
Dear life, when I said "can my day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.
If people don’t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you’re doing something wrong. — John Gierach
If you don't swear when you drive then you aren't paying enough attention to the road.
Tell me not to do something and I will do it twice and take pictures.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. - George Carlin
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" a fun thing to do is punch them in the face and say "this was meant to be".
Pisstified: The state of being equal parts of pissed off and mystified at the same time.
GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
OH SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HAVE A DRINK. - Me as a therapist.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
You know that thing inside your head that keeps you from saying stuff you probably shouldn't? Yeah, mine's broken
You know you're getting old when you can't walk past a bathroom without thinking "I might as well pee while I'm here".
Shitastrophy: word used for massive mess ups, fucked up situations, and epic fails.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
I don't think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
Listen, drunk me and sober me are not the same person. So if drunk me said or did something, you have to take it up with drunk me. Don't come at sober me. We weren't there. We don't know what happened.
I am great at multitasking. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once.