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Funny Quotes

If you really can’t stand someone, let them 100$. Chances are you’ll never see them again.

If you really can’t stand…

You can be funny without being an asshole. I can’t... But you probably can.

You can be funny…

When you can be anything you want, an asshole seems an odd choice.

When you can be…

Whenever I tell someone where I live and they say, “OMG that’s so far” I’m like calm down I’m not inviting you.

Whenever I tell someone…

I tried to follow my dreams. But now I have multiple restraining orders.

I tried…

I’m still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age. Anyone else?

I’m still waiting…

My brain says “let’s do something exciting today”. My body says “don’t listen to that fool”.

My brain says…

The longer I live, the more I am totally convinced other planets use this planet as an insane asylum.

The longer I live…

I talk an awful lot of smack for someone who tips over when putting on their underwear.

I talk an awful lot of smack…

Knowing my luck, I'll probably be reincarnated as me again.

Knowing my luck…