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Funny Quotes

I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pant legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

I’ve found…

I’m kinda like the total package that got fucked up through shipping and handling.

I’m kinda like…

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't even care that it's on your legs.

Find a man…

Sometimes I drink to forget, but I never forget to drink.

Sometimes I drink to forget…

I make bad decisions when I'm drunk but the sober ones haven't been that great either.

I make bad decisions…

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating. While the human female prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

The female praying mantis…

Girls mature faster than guys because men don’t usually develop breasts until their mid 40's.

Girls mature faster…

I think we all need to go out into an empty field and just scream for about an hour.

I think we all need…

If you're arguing with an idiot for more than a minute, then there will be two idiots.

If you’re arguing…

Behind every hangover, there's a promise of never drinking again.

Behind every hangover…