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Funny Quotes

When people suck the life out of you, wouldn’t it be nice if they took some fat too?

Be happy. It drives people crazy.

Friends come and go like waves of the ocean, but the true ones stick, like an octopus on your face.

Spreading rumors about me? Well that’s good... I mean at least you learned to spread something other then your legs!

What to do if you miss your ex? Reload and shoot again.

Dr's say that drinking 8 glasses of water a day helps your skin look younger. My advice: Drink 8 glasses of wine a day an you won't give a damn how old you look.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different story.

Burning a bridge takes too long. I prefer explosives.

I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.

I am an extreme person, the only middle I know is a finger and it says to hell with everything.

Life is too short to wake up in a bad mood. I save mine for when I get to work.

If you don't go crazy every now and then, how could you know that you're sane, every now and then. Besides, it's going crazy, that keeps you sane.

No one knows your business like other people.

I'd tell you to kiss my ass, but I'm pretty sure you'd fall in love, and then I'd never get rid of you.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

Reach for the stars because at the very least you'll air out your armpits.

The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is the next door neighbor.

A friend is someone who listens to your bullshit, tells you that it is bullshit and listens some more.

If hard times only make you stronger then I should be able to whip Superman’s ass by now.

If you ask a stupid question, you may feel stupid; if you don’t ask a stupid question, you remain stupid. - Tony Rothman

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