Funny Quotes

I don’t run from my problems. I sit on my sofa, play on my phone and ignore them. Like an adult.
Be the best version of you, unless you’re an asshole. Don’t be a better asshole.
Every girl is beautiful. Sometimes it takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
I always mean what I say. But sometimes I don’t mean to say it out loud.
I’m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone.
I’ve met some pricks in my time but you sir, are fucking cactus.
Some people ride the crazy train, I drive that motherfucker.
Don’t ask me stupid questions like, “Are you hungry?” or “Want to get drunk?”
When people suck the life out of you, wouldn’t it be nice if they took some fat too?
Be happy. It drives people crazy.
Friends come and go like waves of the ocean, but the true ones stick, like an octopus on your face.
Spreading rumors about me? Well that’s good... I mean at least you learned to spread something other then your legs!
What to do if you miss your ex? Reload and shoot again.
Dr's say that drinking 8 glasses of water a day helps your skin look younger. My advice: Drink 8 glasses of wine a day an you won't give a damn how old you look.
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different story.
Burning a bridge takes too long. I prefer explosives.
I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.
I am an extreme person, the only middle I know is a finger and it says to hell with everything.
Life is too short to wake up in a bad mood. I save mine for when I get to work.
If you don't go crazy every now and then, how could you know that you're sane, every now and then. Besides, it's going crazy, that keeps you sane.