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Funny Quotes

Imagine how cool it would be if we lost weight every time we farted.
BAR and BRA. Same letters, different words, but both keep men eagerly waiting till they open.
I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.
My age is very inappropriate for my behaviour.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. - Steven Wright
Sargasm: When the urge to make a sarcastic reply is so overwhelming you can only roll your eyes and grunt incoherently.
When killing them with kindness doesn’t work, I’ve heard that baseball bat is quite effective.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic and the other... well the other is an asshole.
At times, I’am grateful that thoughts don't appear in bubbles over our heads.
I either drink coffee or I say bad words. Just kidding. I do both.
Karma is always watching. Just like Santa Claus, only bitchier.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. - Oscar Wilde
Once I learn someone hates me, I make sure to go out of my way to piss them off more because that’s what adults do.
They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody? - Princess Diana
When life knocks you down, stay there and take a nap.
Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you’re done. - Darynda Jones
I’m going to be real pissed off if I get my shit together and the world ends.
It is OK to lose your shit sometimes because if you keep your shit, you’ll end up full of shit and then you’ll explode and there will be shit everywhere. A shit storm. And nobody wants that.
If you say “Fuck Off” backwards, it still says fuck off but in Irish accent.
If you’re going to be weird, be confident about it.