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Funny Quotes

I make bad decisions when I'm drunk but the sober ones haven't been that great either.

I make bad decisions…

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating. While the human female prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

The female praying mantis…

Girls mature faster than guys because men don’t usually develop breasts until their mid 40's.

Girls mature faster…

I think we all need to go out into an empty field and just scream for about an hour.

I think we all need…

If you're arguing with an idiot for more than a minute, then there will be two idiots.

If you’re arguing…

Behind every hangover, there's a promise of never drinking again.

Behind every hangover…

I can never just go for a drink or two. Always leads to 3 bottles of wine, an argument, an injury and 4 people I can’t look in the eye again.

I can never just go for a drink..

I always start the day with good intentions. Then I get out of bed and that’s usually where it all goes wrong.

I always start the day…

They say penis size is related to shoe size. That makes clowns much more scarier.

They say penis size…

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Me blacking out…