Funny Quotes

Sometimes it blows my mind that I was the most qualified sperm.

Sometimes it blows my mind…

All I want is to be loved for the scumbag piece of shit that I am.

All I want is to be loved…

Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed”, many women still sleep with their husbands.

Despite the old saying…

Knowing your wife is in the wrong is one thing... proving she’s in the wrong is just plain stupidity.

Knowing your wife…

One day I will start behaving myself. One day...

One day…

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.

I could eat…

If you ever hear me say “fuck it”, you better stand by my side or run... Because I'm about to make some very questionable decisions.

If you ever hear me say…

Why age gracefully when you can age like old cheese... full of character and slightly offensive.

Why age gracefully…

I think I was put on this earth to please a few, entertain some, and annoy the shit out of the rest.

I think I was put on this earth…

If you are asking me for advice I’ll assume you are out of all rational fucking options.

If you are asking me for advice…