Funny Quotes

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done.

Being an adult…

If you can’t say something nice, say something clever but devastating.

If you can’t say something nice…

Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up... after I finish laughing.

Always remember…

I don't think inside the box. I don't think outside the box either. I don't even know where the box is.

I don’t think inside the box…

If you figure me out I want an explanation.

If you figure me out…

The speed at which a woman says "I'm fine" is directly proportional to the severity of the shit storm that's about to follow.

The speed at which a woman says…

You know it's been good day when I didn't have to unleash flying monkeys.

You know it’s been good day…

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves station without me.

I’ve reached the age…

Never see yourself as a failure. After all, you probably started out as a buck rub and look how far you've come so far!

Never see yourself as a failure…

I don't care if you lick windows, run into walls or occasionally pee on yourself. You hang in there sunshine. You're friggin' special.

I don’t care…