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Funny Quotes

I hate when people can’t let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.

I hate when people can’t…

First off sex on the first night is not hoeing. It’s an interview and if I call you the next day. You got the job.

First off sex…

Of course I speak my mind. My head would explode if I kept all this bitching to myself!

Of course I speak my mind…

Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Don’t give up…

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

If you have an opinion…

I’m not good at push ups, pull ups and sit ups. I’m pretty good at fuck ups though.

I’m not good at push ups…

Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.

Happiness…

Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.

Sometimes I wish…

Masturbation is the only thing that isn't taxed, regulated, or illegal. That's your "freedom". You're free to go fuck yourself.

Masturbation…

I've got a good heart, but this mouth...

I’ve got a good heart…