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Funny Quotes

Before I have coffee, everyone is an asshole. After I have coffee, everyone is still an asshole, but I have coffee.

Before I have coffee…

They say we learn from our mistakes. That is why I'm making as many as possible. I'll soon be a genius.

They say…

Never pick a fight with a woman older than 40. They are full of rage and sick of everyone's shit.

Never pick a fight…

DEJA POO: The feeling that you've heard that crap before.

DEJA POO…

Dear middle finger, thank you for always sticking up for me. Love ya!

Dear middle finger…

Therapy is nice... But screaming FUCK at the top of your lungs for 10 seconds is a lot faster and cheaper.

Therapy is nice…

Women don’t fart. They do however shoot tiny puffs of glitter, that sound like a unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows.

Women don’t fart…

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. - Richard Braunstein

The hard part…

The trouble with trouble is, it starts out as fun.

The trouble…

What the fuck are birds so excited about at 5am?

What the fuck…