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Funny Quotes

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Always love a woman…

I’m not bipolar, I’m multipolar. That means I cry and laugh while I beat the shit out of you.

I’m not bipolar…

I think it’s weird how somedays I feel reasonably healthy, and other days I feel like a busted can of biscuits.

I think it’s weird…

Always behave like a duck. Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like hell underwater.

Always behave like a duck…

I never understand men who pay dominatrixes to degrade them. Just get married and fold the towels wrong, mate.

I never understand men…

BOOBS. Absolute proof that a man can in fact concentrate on two things at the same time.

BOOBS…

We can put a man on the moon but we still haven’t figured out how to actually prevent a hangover. Priorities, people...come on.

We can put a man on the moon…

If I drunk text you… don’t text me the next morning and ask what I meant. I’m just as confused as you are.

If I drunk text you…

I believe in you. I also believe in Bigfoot so don’t get too excited.

I believe in you…

In my next life, I am coming back with money and looks instead of all this sparkling personality bullshit.

In my next life…