Funny Quotes

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you’re fucked.
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Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.
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Always keep your chin up. Otherwise you are just looking at your own boobs all day.
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Life is like a dick. Sometimes it's up... Sometimes it's down... But it won't be hard forever.
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Whenever the brain and the heart fight, it's always the liver that suffers.
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Before we work on artificial intelligence why don't we do something about natural stupidity? - Steve Polyak
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Behind every man is a woman resisting the urge to choke him.
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Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car.
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God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. – Robin Williams
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Being a dick won’t make yours any bigger.
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Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away.
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Anything is possible with the right attitude, a sledge hammer and some duct tape.
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BITCHCRAFT: The art of pissing people off while smiling sweetly.
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Be careful when you blindly follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
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A FACT OF LIFE: After monday and tuesday, even the calendar says WTF
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Always carry a little crazy with you. You never know when you’ll need it.
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The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant.
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A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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