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Sarcastic Quotes

WARNING! I have restless leg syndrome and may not be able to stop myself from kicking your ass.

WARNING!…

Women will say they are too tired to have sex. But that won’t stop them from arguing with you all night.

Women will say…

I haven’t had any problem that I couldn’t make worse.

I haven’t had any problem…

Dad bods are fine until you make her mad. Then you’re a fat fuck.

Dad bods are fine…

Being kissed while you’re asleep is one of the purest forms of love... Unless you’re in prison.

Being kissed…

You just have to take it one “Are you fucking kidding me” at a time.

You just have to take it one…

My resume is just a list of things I really never want to do again.

My resume…

I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying, “I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal”. Suddenly I realised how many gynecologists there are on the road.

I saw a car…

Don’t be mad at lazy people. They don’t do anything.

Don’t be mad at lazy people…

It isn’t the ups and downs that make life difficult; it’s the jerks. - Charlie Chaplin

It isn’t the ups and downs…