Sarcastic

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus nor do I have an Alzheimer’s.
I told myself that I should stop drinking. But I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talk to himself.
Don’t break anybody’s heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
Hitting the gym to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that caused that stress to begin with. - Alan Garner
Don’t make excuses for nasty people. You can’t put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.
Blessed are the constipated for they don’t give a shit.
Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small. Some are real and some are fake.
Complaining is mouth farting. And like any farting, I don’t mind hearing my own, but I don’t want to hear anyone else’s.
“As fuck” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don’t give a shit!
Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Do not be so open-minded. your brains fall out. – G.K. Chesterton.
People start shit. Then act like they have no idea how shit got started.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you’re fucked.
Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.
Always keep your chin up. Otherwise you are just looking at your own boobs all day.
Hold your head high, and your middle finger higher.
Life is like a dick. Sometimes it's up... Sometimes it's down... But it won't be hard forever.
Whenever the brain and the heart fight, it's always the liver that suffers.
Before we work on artificial intelligence why don't we do something about natural stupidity? - Steve Polyak
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Behind every man is a woman resisting the urge to choke him.
Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car.