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Sarcastic Quotes

I smoke weed for the same reason people wear glasses, to improve my view of the world.

I smoke weed…

The key to happiness is low expectations. Lower. Nope, even lower. There you go.

The key to happiness…

Looking at inspirational quotes to feel better is like looking at a treadmill to lose weight.

Looking at inspirational quotes…

Roses are red, shit is brown. Shut the fuck up, and sit the fuck down.

Roses are red…

If you can’t laugh at yourself that’s okay because the rest of us can laugh at you instead.

If you can’t laugh at yourself…

Every morning is another chance to have a less awful day.

Every morning…

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later. - Mitch Hedberg

I’m sick of following my dreams…

Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

Alcohol…

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Everyone seems normal…

Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

Wise people think…