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If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. - David Sedaris

If you’re looking…

The only person I trust is me, and even that is fucking iffy sometimes.

The only person…

If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.

If her bra…

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

Your ass must get jealous…

Expect the bullshit, but never accept it.

Expect the bullshit…

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say: "Hey look... that one is shaped like an idiot".

I wonder…

If laughter is the best medicine your face must be curing the world.

If laughter…

ME: I'm actually happy right now. LIFE: LOL one sec...

ME…

The only difference between a good girl and a bad girl is that good girls are very selective who they're bad with.

The only difference…

The word of today is BULLSHIT. No need to spread the word, there is plenty of it going around.

The word of today…