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Some people handle stress with yoga, meditation and long walks. I handle it with sarcasm, beer and telling people to fuck off.

Some people handle stress…

Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that shit and move on.

Learn a lesson…

We buy shit we don’t need, with the money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t like.

We buy…

There are two types of people who really irritate me: A drunk person when I’m sober and a sober person when I’m drunk.

There are two types…

Usually, when I say “Excuse me” I actually mean, “Get the fuck out of my way!”

Usually…

Some people just suck the fucking nice right out of you.

Some people just suck…

I changed my horn to gunshot sounds. Now people move out of the way much faster.

I changed my horn…

The biggest step in any relationships isn’t the first kiss. It is the first fart.

The biggest step…

First rule of house cleaning while listening to power ballads: The toilet brush is never the microphone.

First rule…

SWEARING. Because sometimes “gosh darn” and “meanie head” just don’t cover it.

“SWEARING IS UNATTRACTIVE”…