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Once upon a time I was sweet and innocent. Then shit happened!

Once upon a time…

I hate when people say you don’t need alcohol to have fun. You don’t need running shoes to run but it fucking helps.

I hate when people say…

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

I bet the first guy…

People who talk shit will be reincarnated as toilet paper.

People who talk shit…

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me for not beating the fuck out of you the first time.

Fool me once…

People are the best show in the world. And you don’t even pay for the ticket. – Charles Bukowski

People are the best show…

I’m afraid if I give up sarcasm, I would have to replace it with murder.

I’m afraid if I give up sarcasm…

Girls always say they appreciate the little things in life, until you whip out your little penis.

Girls always say…

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or an idiot from any direction.

Never approach a bull…

Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid as shit.

Follow your brain…