Someone

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sound of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

Before marrying someone…

Guess who got their life together! Not me, but someone somewhere probably did.

Guess who got their life together…

You don’t really truly know someone until you get ridiculously drunk with them.

You don’t really truly know…

You're everything I've ever wanted in someone I don't want anymore.

You’re everything…

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

You know that…

When someone says you’re one in a million, what they’re really saying is that there are over 7000 people just like you.

When someone says…

There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

There’s someone for everyone…

Someone once told me, “you’re never gonna forget me”. I just can’t remember who the fuck it was.

Someone once told me…

Never be afraid to say fuck you to someone.

Never be afraid…

Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of work to me.

Killing someone with kindness…