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Cynical Quotes

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

Even duct tape can’t…

Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus nor do I have an Alzheimer’s.

Forgive and forget?…

Don’t break anybody’s heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

Don’t break anybody’s heart…

Hitting the gym to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that caused that stress to begin with. - Alan Garner

Hitting the gym…

Complaining is mouth farting. And like any farting, I don’t mind hearing my own, but I don’t want to hear anyone else’s.

Complaining is…

“As fuck” is my favorite unit of measurement.

“As fuck”…

Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.

Don’t try to understand women…

pen-minded. your brains fall out. - G.K. Chesterton.

Do not be…

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you’re fucked.

Before sex…

Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.

Every family has…