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Funny Quotes

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot revenge.

Never go to bed angry…

How to break up nicely: I think it’s time we take this relationship to the previous level.

How to break up nicely…

People say “go big or go home”, as if going home were a bad thing. Hell yeah I wanna go home. And I’m gonna take a nap when I get there.

People say “go big…

Some people age like wine. Others age like milk.

Some people age like wine…

I do try to be a good person. But then someone pulls out in front of me doing ten below the speed limit and I just have to try again tomorrow.

I do try to be a good person…

On the day I was born angels looked into my cozy little crib, gazed upon my cherubic face and declared 'this one going to be trouble'.

On the day I was born…

Grow old with your best friends so you can race in wheelchairs and fight each other with canes.

Grow old with…

Never make an eye contact while eating a banana.

Never make eye contact…

I was asked what I look for in a relationship... Apparently “a way out” wasn’t the right answer.

I was asked…

I will not keep calm. I will raise hell and break shit.

I will not keep calm…