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Funny Quotes

My body is a filter: coffee comes in, sarcasm comes out.

My body is a filter…

I hate it when the voices in my head go silent… I never know what those fuckers are planning.

I hate it…

I’d like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals.

I’d like to offer…

Pretending to be a functional adult is exhausting.

Pretending to be…

If life gives you lemons, add vodka.

If life gives you lemons…

Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat shit crazy to make a point.

Sometimes you have to…

Sex before marriage considered a sin and after marriage a miracle

Sex before marriage…

There are two ways of arguing with a woman. Neither one works. - Will Rogers

There are two ways…

I need to teach my facial expression how to use their inside voice.

I need to teach…

If you combine wine and dinner, the new word is ‘winner’.

If you combine…