Funny Quotes

Whenever I tell someone where I live and they say, “OMG that’s so far” I’m like calm down I’m not inviting you.

Whenever I tell someone…

I tried to follow my dreams. But now I have multiple restraining orders.

I tried…

I’m still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age. Anyone else?

I’m still waiting…

My brain says “let’s do something exciting today”. My body says “don’t listen to that fool”.

My brain says…

The longer I live, the more I am totally convinced other planets use this planet as an insane asylum.

The longer I live…

I talk an awful lot of smack for someone who tips over when putting on their underwear.

I talk an awful lot of smack…

Knowing my luck, I'll probably be reincarnated as me again.

Knowing my luck…

When I die, mix my ashes with glitter so I can continue annoying the fuck out of everybody.

When I die…

When I take a sick day, it’s because I'm sick of you people.

When I take a sick day…

Sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out.

Sometimes I get so weird…