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Funny Quotes

Dear life, when I said "can my day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

Dear life…

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

When I drink alcohol…

If people don’t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you’re doing something wrong. — John Gierach

If people don’t…

If you don't swear when you drive then you aren't paying enough attention to the road.

If you don’t swear…

Tell me not to do something and I will do it twice and take pictures.

Tell me not to do…

When someone says "everything happens for a reason" a fun thing to do is punch them in the face and say "this was meant to be".

When someone says…

Pisstified: The state of being equal parts of pissed off and mystified at the same time.

PISSTIFIED…

GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

GRAMMAR…

OH SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HAVE A DRINK. - Me as a therapist.

OH SHUT THE FUCK UP…

You know that thing inside your head that keeps you from saying stuff you probably shouldn't? Yeah, mine's broken

You know that thing…