Home Browse Tags More

Funny Quotes

You know you're getting old when you can't walk past a bathroom without thinking "I might as well pee while I'm here".

You know you’re getting old…

Shitastrophy: word used for massive mess ups, fucked up situations, and epic fails.

SHITASTROPHY…

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

What did our parents…

I don't think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.

I don’t think we do get smarter…

Listen, drunk me and sober me are not the same person. So if drunk me said or did something, you have to take it up with drunk me. Don't come at sober me. We weren't there. We don't know what happened.

Listen, drunk me…

I am great at multitasking. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once.

I am great at multitasking…

I am not an asshole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate assholes.

I am not an asshole…

I’m not great at advice, can I interest you in sarcastic comment? - Chandler Bing

I’m not great at advice…

I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

I wanna be 14 again…

To all the adults using colouring books for stress relief, grow the fuck up and get drunk like the rest of us.

To all the adults…