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Funny Quotes

Lord, please give me patience because if you give me strength I’ll need bail money too.

Lord, please give me…

Life is all about ass. You’re either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or living with one.

Life is all about ass…

If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.

If someone throws a stone…

One woman’s “fuck him” is another woman’s “finally”.

One woman’s “fuck him”…

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence eat bacon.

Every day…

If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.

If a woman tells…

Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

Another fine day…

Some days my biggest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut.

Some days…

Don’t half ass anything. Whatever you do, always use your full ass.

Don’t half ass anything…

Never sing in the shower. Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember don’t sing.

Never sing…