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Funny Quotes

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance… The 5 stages of waking up.

Denial…

Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.

Nobody texts faster…

Are we having some drinks, or are we having some dranks? Need to dress accordingly.

Are we having some drinks…

Best friends are those who don’t say anything when you show up at their door with a dead body. They just grab a shovel and follow you.

Best friends…

Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed.

Every bad thing…

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I need it.

I would like…

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Condoms…

If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would fart.

If I wanted to listen…

I hate when people can’t let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.

I hate when people can’t…

First off sex on the first night is not hoeing. It’s an interview and if I call you the next day. You got the job.

First off sex…