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Funny Quotes

A foolish man complains about his torn pocket, while a wise man uses it to scratch his balls.

A foolish man complains…

Women are like iPhones: you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries: rub one ball and everything moves.

Women are like iPhones…

Go braless… It will pull the wrinkles out of your face.

Go braless…

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day. So far I’m about 12 years ahead of schedule.

My goal in life…

Your job as a woman is to observe when your man is happy and immediately put a stop to that nonsense.

Your job as a woman…

They said the only way to get over a broken heart is to fall in love again. So I fell in love with myself. Best fucking relationship in my life.

They said the only way to get over…

The best friendships are built on solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, laughter and dislike of the same people.

The best friendships…

Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage is…

Taking back your ex is like buying your shit back from your own garage sale.

Taking back your ex…

I think bees teach us an important lesson. You may be small, you may be tiny, but when you’re chasing someone with a sharp object… people will still run from you.

I think bees teach us…