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My “give a fuck” is still broken but my “go fuck yourself” is fully functional.

My “give a fuck”…

I'm trying to be a more positive person every day. Today, I'm positive everyone is an asshole.

I’m trying to be…

Some people need a shock collar and I need the remote.

Some people need…

We’re all being judged by someone who isn’t even close to having their own shit together.

We’re all being judged…

One of the best things about getting older: Knowing someone is an asshole before they even speak.

One of the best things…

Somedays you feel like you’re surrounded by idiots. Other days you realize it’s not just somedays.

Somedays you feel…

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. – Winston Churchill

Tact…

People start shit. Then act like they have no idea how shit got started.

People start shit…

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

Marriage…

Some people make me wonder… How do they fit all that stupid into one head?

Some people…