Some people are such treasures that you want to bury them.
If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.
I hide behind sarcasm because telling you to go fuck yourself is considered rude in most social situations.
Have you ever just agreed with someone so they would shut the hell up?
Taking your ex back is like trying to put poop back in your butt.
Everything happens for a reason and sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and made a bad decision.
Forget about the zombie apocalypse, it’s never gonna happen. Worry about the dumbass apocalypse, it’s already upon ass.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered… “who ties your shoelaces for you”?
Free speech is nice but also shut the fuck up sometimes.
For all the women that brag about how many men want them, just remember the cheapest prices attract the most customers.
Everyone complains about a lack of money, but none complain about a lack of brains. – Jewish proverb
Do you ever feel the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren’t talking?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming clearly? I feel that way about too many people.
Bitch please, your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Do you ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
Before you judge me, you better make sure you’re fucking perfect.
“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people. – Thomas L. Masson
BOSSHOLE: A person who turns into an asshole ten seconds after being made supervisor.
My ex has one very annoying habit. Breathing.
Have you ever met someone and thought, “There goes the reason why contraceptives were invented?”
Before you judge me try walking a mile in my shoes so you can see how little I care and how good it feels to be a mile away from you.
Can you see the “fuck you” in my smile?