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Sarcastic Quotes

People should seriously stop expecting normal from me. Stop acting like you don’t know who you’re dealing with.

People should…

You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you not to do something? Mine bets me five dollars I can’t!

You know that voice…

I’m so lucky people can’t hear what I’m thinking.

I’m so lucky…

I give just enough fucks to stay employed and out of jail. No more, no less.

I give just enough…

What doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.

What doesn’t kill you…

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you’re actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

According to astronomy…

You have to be a little crazy just to survive this crazy fucked up world.

You have to be…

Childhood: When you didn’t have to be drunk to make stupid decisions.

Childhood…

When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.

When people ask…

The reason you have to follow your dreams is because even your dreams are trying get away from you.

The reason…