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If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
Bitch please, your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
I’m not good at push ups, pull ups and sit ups. I’m pretty good at fuck ups though.
Do you ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
Before you judge me, you better make sure you’re fucking perfect.
“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people. – Thomas L. Masson
I don’t owe anyone any explanations for why I do the shit I do.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
BOSSHOLE: A person who turns into an asshole ten seconds after being made supervisor.
