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Funny Quotes

If you can't be the sharpest tool in the shed, you can always be the hoe.

If you can’t be…

I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people.

I planned to work out…

FAMILY VACATION: A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together.

FAMILY VACATION…

With age come new skills... You can laugh, cough, sneeze, and pee all at the same time.

With age…

I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell.

I take super hot showers…

You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your pin number.

You know you are drunk…

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. - David Sedaris

If you’re looking…

If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.

If her bra…

ME: I'm actually happy right now. LIFE: LOL one sec...

ME…

I am sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

I am sorry…