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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Life is not a fairy tale…

People start shit. Then act like they have no idea how shit got started.

People start shit…

Sarcasm is a body’s natural defence against stupidity.

Sarcasm…

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

Marriage…

If someone asks “Are You Crazy?” Simply reply “Yes”. Boom. End of discussion.

If someone asks…

Sometimes one middle finger isn’t enough to let someone know how you feel. That’s why you have two hands.

Sometimes…

Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.

Women fake orgasms…

Some people make me wonder… How do they fit all that stupid into one head?

Some people…

I love it when people insult me. It means I don’t have to play nice anymore. – Billy Idol

I love it…

I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long.

I don’t have a bucket list…